I am not the center of the universe and it sucks.

When I entered this incarnation I was supposed to be celebrated. That’s what they told me would happen. I would be seen for my gifts and talents and encouraged to become a whole being. Instead, I found that if I wanted something, I had to work to make it happen. Including getting fed. No one else did it for me!?  I just want to say: I am angry and resentful that I arrived here unrecognized and unwelcome…sad, too. Disappointed in fact.

 

Yet I blame myself for expecting so much.

 

But…no one in my family ever mentioned their  welcome on the planet. It just wasn’t discussed. Maybe if their arrival sucked, they were a little bitter or cynical. Maybe they were  just as disappointed too.  Did they have to work for love and appreciation?

 

As I got older everything became more confusing. Not only wasn’t there celebration, but I was teased, and ”jokingly” criticized. Everyone thought it was funny. I didn’t. Should I?  Erroneously, I concluded that there was something wrong with me. Look, they had love and regard! They seemed to know the answers. They thought teasing was funny! They said I was oversensitive and a drama queen.
Maybe I needed to do something special to win their approval. If love and acknowledgment didn’t come with the package, maybe I was being too impatient, too selfish.

It’s hard to understand what you feel when you don’t know how to identify it. There is no language for “knowing” a feeling until there is. Sometimes you have to blow it up really big to know what an emotion ‘means’.

 

By the way, I didn’t “figure out” any of this as a child–it was simply the background reality. A fish doesn’t inquire about the water it swims in.

I wasn’t beaten or molested. I felt insecure and anxious, but what of it? Get over yourself!

I didn’t know in the beginning of my journey on earth that there is a source of love and approval within. All I did know is that I wanted attention, and that feeling was accompanied by a fear of loss. My inner critic was telling me how selfish and whiney I was.

 

What I do know is a habit of mind formed around this want: ‘I need attention. I will turn myself inside out to be acceptable.’  That didn’t work either. I was panicky trying to understand how to fit in!

 

I lost sight of the most precious object that I have—my own true heart. In fact, I really didn’t focus on myself at all. I over-focused on myself–but not the real me, the awkward child, me.  My senses turned outwardly  for love, I hadn’t yet discovered that there is love within, inherent.  How would I know that love was anywhere other than through my parents, siblings, and schoolmates approval?

When I began to sense that there was another way to feel, I tried to find a road map, a magic trick, to locate this place inside, the love within. It seemed elusive, like words from a self-help book. They point to something that rings true, but how to finding the path is confusing. The GPS gives bad directions. No such address exists.

 

Over time if you hit yourself in the hard enough with a claw hammer, you begin to see the light. The same spot hurts the same way each time. Nothing changed just because I blamed others or myself for not getting the love I want. It was subtler than that.

 

When I stop listening to the kvetching, sadness, the blaming, and the numbing, I quiet down. Somewhere inside me there is a strong, deep, thrumming, vibrating sound and a warm feeling. Somewhere inside, there is a big celebration that I was born, that I grew up the fucked up way that I did, and that I still feel neurotic and connected to my ‘stories’. There is awareness that all the tsuris was designed simply to bring me to this moment, right here and now.

 

Welcome to my life!

 

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